Villain Boners (Happen to the Best of Us)
by HistoryBuffer
Summary: Heisuke just wanted to do his job, he didn't count on falling for Mayuri Or, While in the Maggot's Nest, an unsuspecting prison guard is assigned to Mayuri. It's all downhill from there. Part 1 of The Ongoing Adventures of Heisuke, Walking Disaster


Heisuke knew that being a guard at the Maggot's Nest would come with certain…._trials_. Certainly there would be a wide array of merry characters all too eager to gleefully fuck up his day, and certainly it would be his job to make sure no one got _too _out of hand. And, for a while, Heisuke did just that. He showed up, kept his head down, and tried to avoid too much notice. In the Maggot's Nest notice of any kind, from the warden or the prisoners _(or even, god forbid, the other members of the Second),_ would near-universally lead to trouble. He kept this up for a few decades, made a friend or two, and mostly just tried to keep his mind off his problems.

However, it didn't seem like he flew under the radar as well as he thought.

"I'm sorry, sir, you want me to _what?_" Heisuke demanded, certain he was hearing wrong.

The Warden smiled blandly at him, in that fake, airheaded way of his. "I want you to be the next personal guard of Mayuri Kurotsuchi. You know, the scientist?"

Heisuke _did_, in fact, know Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Well, he knew _of_ Mayuri Kurotsuchi. A genius, locked up for his insane intelligence and total lack of ethics, and the only prisoner in the Nest kept in near-permanent isolation. Heisuke also knew that every single guard assigned to him, without exception, went insane sooner or later. Heisuke desperately cast his thoughts back, trying to figure out when he pissed off the Warden.

He blinked when a bag was shoved in his face. "Oh, and by the way," the Warden grinned, "since you're already on your way to your new post, will you give Mayuri his makeup? He gets, ah, _agitated_ when his face is bare for too long."

Heisuke sighed resignedly as he took the bag. "As you wish, Warden."

The Warden pouted slightly. "Hey. Heisuke-san, you can use my name, you know?"

Heisuke regarded the Warden suspiciously. "As you say, Warden. I'm going to my post now." With that, he hurried out of the office, trying to get as far away from the Warden's intensely scrutinizing gaze as he could.

Heisuke made his way quickly and quietly across the commons area, and down the winding, narrow hall that lead to the Nest's sole prison cell. There was no sound as he approached. Prison guard he may be, but Heisuke was still Onmitsukido.

Kurotsuchi had his back turned, and seemed to be staring intently at the wall. Heisuke braced himself. He had no idea what to expect, but interactions with most people were boring and awkwardly painful, and Heisuke could only imagine the sheer depths of hell interaction with a mad genius could fall too.

_Dear God_, why him?

Sensing his presence, Kurotsuchi turned towards him, and Heisuke knew in that moment that his life was over.

_Oh no, he's hot!_

Kurotsuchi, Heisuke noticed _(and oh boy did he notice)_, was incredibly attractive. Heisuke groaned internally. (_Dear God, _he thought, _why him?_) Heisuke could feel the blush creeping on his face as the seconds ticked on. Desperately trying to save face as Kurotsuchi stared impassively at him, Heisuke cleared his throat.

"H-Hello, Kurotsuchi-san. My name is Heisuke, I'll be your guard from now on." Heisuke stammered. Kurotsuchi continued to stare silently, and Heisuke resisted the urge to fidget with his collar. Was it just him, or was it really hot in here?  
"A-anyway," he said, "here's your makeup." He thrust the bag out for Kurotsuchi to grab. When Kurotsuchi just continued to stare, Heisuke gave a very awkward smile and thumbs-up.

(_Why is this his life)._

"You're _such_ a disaster, Heisuke. You get left alone for _five minutes_ and you're already pining after the most dangerous criminal here!" Heisuke's friend, Kei, started to berate him.

Heisuke groaned and hit his forehead onto the table. "It's not my fault, Kei, he took me by surprise! Attractive people can't _ambush_ me like that, I need to _prepare_."

Kei sipped the last of his tea, and wished desperately for something stronger as Heisuke continued to lament his (supposed) bad luck.

"He's so hot, but he's _so creepy_." Heisuke continued. "No one that insane should look that attractive. It should be illegal. His _eyes_, Kei, _his eyes _are the worst offenders. They _should _be off-putting, but there's something so _piercing_ about them-"

Kei wished even more desperately for sake. Alas, Onmitsukido had a strict ban on alcohol during the weekdays _(all thanks to their captain)_, so simply refilled his teacup and listened as his friend wound down.

"-and then he threatened to dissect me, and _all I did was offer him coffee_, and it was so off-putting but he looked so _good_ and _god I'm so conflicted."_

Kei tried to think of something helpful to say. "Well, doesn't he wear that weird full-face makeup most of the time? So, at least his face is covered." _Except during showers_, Kei didn't say. Given his friend's current condition, he didn't think Heisuke would survive such implications.

Heisuke just groaned again, tugging at his long strands of hair. "His makeup just makes him _more_ attractive." he mumbled. "It doesn't matter. He's attractive, and _interesting_, and I put my foot in my mouth every goddamn time I talk to attractive and interesting people."

Kei winced, remembering Heisuke's _last _romantic endeavour. Sighing, he patted his friend consolingly on the back. "You, my, friend, are _so _screwed, and not in the fun way."

Heisuke made an impressive noise of despair in response.

Mayuri didn't _quite_ know what to make of his new guard. He was, quite frankly, a _mess_. He was always stuttering and tripping over nothing, which was _strange_ because weren't the assassin-ninjas of the Second supposed to be _quiet_ and careful? Mayuri figured he was an idiot of epic proportions, but _how _such an idiot became an elite assassin remained a mystery. Mayuri would have called him a coward, too, given his extremely nervous fidgeting and complete inability to look Mayuri in the eye, but one doesn't become a prison guard in the Maggot's Nest by being a coward. In addition, Mayuri's attempts to whittle away at his sanity (a hobby he picked up to keep the boredom away) didn't seem to really have any effect. Given his nervous demeanor, he should have been an easy mark, and the fact that he _wasn't_ was driving Mayuri up a wall with curiosity.

He knew it would be useless to ask his new guard directly. So, he asked the only other person with the answers.

It was a shame he was such an idiot.

"Stop grinning" Mayuri said. "You look even _more _like an idiot like that."

Urahara smiled even wider. "This is _such_ a momentous occasion! I never thought the day would come when you would ask _me _over for help, and over a _boy_ no less!"

Mayuri scoffed. "I just can't figure him out, that's all. _People_ have never been my strong suit."

Urahara nodded sagely. "Indeed. Although it _is_ strange that Heisuke is giving you so much trouble. He's usually the most level-headed one here. That's why I assigned him to you in the first place."

Mayuri scoffed derisively. "_Level-headed?_ Are those eyes of yours just for decoration? He almost had a panic attack trying to offer me _chocolate _of all things the other day."

Urahara blinked in confusion. "He offered chocolate to you? Now _that's _odd. I wonder why-" He stopped and blinked, as a realization seemed to dawn on him.

Urahara suddenly burst into raucous laughter.

Mayuri could feel his irritation growing as Urahara's laughter refused to subside, ringing merrily through the halls.

"I don't see what's so funny." Mayuri snapped waspishly.

"Oh, Mayuri, don't you see? He's not _scared _of you, he has a _crush _on you!"

Mayuri didn't even blink. "Preposterous."

Urahara waved his hand dismissively as he wiped tears of laughter. "Think about it. You said he tried to give you chocolates the other day? What holiday has just passed?"

"You know I don't keep track of that." Mayuri replied. _How could I? _He didn't say. After all, there was no use for a calendar in prison.

Urahara blazed on. "It was _Valentine's _Day! Mayuri, it was _Valentine's Day_ and he was trying to give you chocolate! Oh, this is _too good!_" He busted out into laughter again.

Urahara had finally lost it. A _person_, interested in _him? Romantically?_The probability of such an event was so miniscule it was practically nonexistent. People aren't _attracted_ to Mayuri, they are either disgusted by him or wholly indifferent.

Mayuri was used to weaponizing people's perceptions of him, but attraction was well outside of his wheelhouse. Still he pondered the implications. _If _Urahara was correct in his hypothesis, (and that was a very, _very _big if), it provided a good opportunity to expand his knowledge base. The potential results could be-

"_**Fascinating"**_ Mayuri intoned, his voice low and dark.

Urahara stopped laughing when he saw the enormous, sinister grin spreading across Mayuri's face.

Heisuke felt like he was on the fast track to an early grave. Mayuri _reciprocated his feelings_ and Heisuke's heart felt like it was on the brink of implosion. Mayuri _flirted with Heisuke_ and his pick-up lines were both really hot and _really _scary.

"I'd like to dissect you sometime," Mayri said once. "I bet your bones would look lovely."

Or, he'd say, "I wish they'd let me experiment on you. You'd make a lovely subject."

Heisuke figured this was Mayuri's version of high praise, and felt very flattered by the attention.

"Or it could just be you've finally lost it." supplied Kei. "All of his guards go mad eventually."

Heisuke covered his friend's mouth with a dopey smile on his face. "Shhh, Kei, let me have this. This is a momentous occasion for me. Let me have my spotlight."

Kei ripped Heisuke's hand away. "_No, I will not shush._ Heisuke, do you even know the level of shit-storm you'll incur if you pursue this? He's a _danger to Soul Society_. Forget losing your job, you'll lose your _head_ if you're not careful! If Central 46 hears about this- oh for- are you even listening?!"

Heisuke hummed noncommittedly as he stared dreamily into space."Not really." he admitted. "But you worry too much, Kei. Nothing bad will happen! Mayuri, well, he's not _harmless,_ not by a long shot, but I don't think he means any harm in what he's saying."

Before Kei could voice that it wasn't _Mayuri _he was worried about, Heisuke's face suddenly became quite thoughtfully morose. "Ah, but I just realized- what if he gets bored of me? Mayuri's super smart, and he likes to flirt with science, so he'll get bored if I don't step up my game!" He shot up like a rocket and began to tear around the room. "Oh no, I've gotta read _all_ the science books I can! Kei, quick, do know where I can find science books?"

Kei slapped his forehead in exasperation. A lovestruck Heisuke's idiocy were truly a test of great patience.

Mayuri's experiment was going well. The test subject was responding well to Mayuri's romantic overtures. Certainly, there a marked increase in both frequency and severity of flush of blood to his face.

(A flush that, if Mayuri was being honest with himself, he found quite pleasing. However, Mayuri was not being honest with himself)

Mayuri was even beginning to uncover fascinating tidbits about the test subject himself, which only deepened Mayuri's curiosity about him.

The first fascinating tidbit revealed itself after Mayuri admitted he was rather bored cooped up here.

"It wouldn't be so bad if they let me have a book, at least." Mayuri admitted to Hei- _his test subject_. "But Urahara only laughed at me. No foreign objects are allowed in the compound."

His test subject hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, the Warden's like that. I wonder if there's a way to get one to you?"

"You don't have to do that." Mayuri replied. "You'd get yourself in a lot of trouble. It's pointless to try."

_And if you're caught, where else am I going to find such a fascinating subject?_ Mayuri didn't say.

"Ah, but you shouldn't have to be so bored!" his test subject exclaimed. "I know! I'll memorize a book for you!"

Mayuri blinked. "What."

"I'll _memorize _a book for you! It won't be hard! I've already memorized some science books, but they might be a little basic for you, haha.". His test subject rubbed his head sheepishly, looking quite embarrassed.

"Why on earth would you go through all the trouble to memorize science books?" Mayuri demanded.

His test subject turned a lovely shade of crimson in embarrassment. "Ah, well, it's not really that much trouble. I have a _really_ good memory, but I've never had much use for it outside the Academy, haha! I, uh, wanted to impress you, so I tried to memorize as many books as I could."

Mayuri wondered, in the back of his head, what this warm feeling in his chest was.

To be able to memorize entire books meant that his test subject must have an eidetic memory, and… he used it to impress _Mayuri_. The implications were astounding.  
"...If it's not too much trouble," Mayuri hesitantly asked, "There's a scientific journal I've heard Urahara talk about. I would..._appreciate _it if you could memorize the latest issue for me."

Mayuri had to turn away from the dazzling beauty of the bright smile blooming on his test subject's face.

Things continued in this way for some time. Heisuke would tell him about the scientific journals Mayuri had asked him to read, often trying to spice things up by memorizing additional material for him. Mayuri seemed fond of biology, and Heisuke responded in kind by searching for new breakthrough studies and articles for Mayuri.

Heisuke, for the first time in a very long while, felt excitement at the prospect of showing up to work. His days seemed… _brighter_ now, in a way they hadn't since his Academy days.

Unfortunately, the Warden took notice.

Heisuke fidgeted nervously in his seat across from the Warden.

"Relax, Heisuke-san!" the Warden said "I've actually called you here for some good news! Captain Yoruichi has finally approved your request for a transfer! You'll be moved to your new division once the Captain of that division approves you."

Heisuke felt his stomach drop. "I'm sorry, _what?_"

"It took a long while, but it she finally approved it! Unfortunately, the division you're transferring to is lacking a Captain, so you'll have to wait until the new captain is appointed before you can officially transfer."

Heisuke could barely hear over the ringing in his ears. He was leaving the Second? But why now? When he'd first put that request in, years ago, Captain Yoruichi had dismissed it and sent him to the Maggot's Nest instead.

_(You're one of our best spies, _she'd told him, _I'm not letting you quit. But tell you what, if you go babysit the criminals in the Maggot's Nest, and keep your head down, I might reconsider.)_

Heisuke had long since given up hope of transferring out, but now that the opportunity was here, he felt much less enthusiastic about it. He'd never see Mayuri again, and the prospect of never seeing him _(of never seeing those rare smiles, small and fleeting, of never hearing his voice as he explains, patiently, all of the things Heisuke doesn't understand) _caused his head to spin and his stomach to twist into impossible knots.

"Why now?" he asked the Warden, his voice hoarse. "It's been years since I put that request in. Why only now is it getting approved?"

The Warden gave him a pitying smile. "Unfortunately, Heisuke-san, your… _affinity_ with Kurotsuchi has drawn notice from the higher-ups. You're lucky Central 46 hasn't caught wind of it yet, and both Captain Yoruichi and myself would like to keep it that way."

Heisuke tried, once more, to speak past the lump in his throat. "What about Mayuri? What will happen to him?"

"Mayuri is a danger to Soul Society" the Warden said sharply, his face shadowed as he spoke. "And until such a time that either the Captain-Commander or Central 46 find a use for him, he'll remain here." He stood then, and placed his hand on Heisuke's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Urahara whispered to Heisuke. "But this is the only way to keep you two safe."

Heisuke didn't respond.

"You're leaving." Mayuri stated, his sharp tone belying his anger.

"Not by choice." his test subject's voice was small, full of despair and submission. Mayuri hated how it sounded.

"When." Mayuri demanded.

"In a few months. The division I'm transferring to is getting a new Captain, and whoever they are will have to approve the transfer. Considering the Warden's hand in it, I'm pretty sure it's a near guarantee to be approved."

Mayuri could feel his temper rising. _How dare they?_ How _dare _they try to take what was his! How dare they try to take the _one good thing_ in Mayuri's life? They'd already taken his freedom, and _now _they're going to take away the _one person _he's ever loved?!

Mayuri paused. _What_ had he just thought? Heisuke was just a test subject! An experiment! And yet… Mayuri knew all of that was just an excuse. He hadn't dared hope for more, fearing that if he admitted his feelings, even to himself, all of that would be torn away. But it didn't matter, in the end, because the only good thing to happen to him in _centuries_ has been torn away. At least this time he had someone else to blame.

Mayuri was brought out of his inner thoughts by Heisuke gripping the bars in front of him. "I'm so sorry this happened, Mayuri." he whispered. "I'd stop it if I could."

Mayuri turned to look at Heisuke, his yellow eyes gleaming with mad determination. "It doesn't matter." He declared, grabbing Heisuke's hands into his. "It doesn't matter that you're leaving. I'll find a way to follow."

Heisuke's eyes widened in surprise. "Mayuri- _are you sure?_"

Mayuri closed his eyes, and figured that now was the time to be honest. "You are the first person to have looked at me and not turned away in disgust." He began. "More than that, you're the first person to show interest in more than just my genius. You pursued my attention, my Heisuke, and now that you've caught it I won't let you go." His expression took on something of mad fervor as he gripped Heisuke's hand tighter. "You're the only person I've ever loved." He admitted. "and I'll be damned if I let them take what's _mine."_

Heisuke's eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "Mayuri, I swear, once I've transferred, I'll find a way to get you out. I'll talk with the Warden, I'll do everything I can."

"If you can't," Mayuri intoned, "then I'll take matters into my own hands."

If Kei had any less self-control, he'd be needing a new set of pants right about now. He knew things between Heisuke and Kurotsuchi had… _intensified_, but he never imagined it would be to this degree.

"Heisuke, I'm begging you, _don't do this_. Don't throw your life away for a criminal!"

Heisuke turned to his friend. "Mayuri's not just a criminal." he reprimanded. "He's the only thing to ever make me truly happy." Heisuke's face had that haunted look, one that Kei hadn't seen since Heisuke was on active duty.  
"After… after I quit," Heisuke started, "I thought I'd never be happy again. I thought my time in active duty had ruined me, and ruined my chance at a future. I thought maybe getting out of the Second was my shot at fixing myself." Heisuke looked up then, and Kei felt frightened by the intensity of his stare. "Then Mayuri happened, and he… Kei, _he loves me back_, and I'm not giving that up for anything. I'll go through with the transfer, and convince whatever sop they've chosen for Captain into reinstating Mayuri. And if that doesn't work, I'll break him out myself."

Kei felt a chill at the words, but he brushed it off and addressed Heisuke. "Well, do you know what division you're transferring to?"

Heisuke looked away, out towards the window. "The Warden told me I'll be the Fourth Seat of the Twelfth"

The months passed, and before Mayuri knew it, the time had come for Heisuke to leave. He kissed Mayuri's hand through the bars, and echoed the promise they'd made.

_("Give me six months," he'd said, "and if I can't get you out legally, I'll break you out.")_

Urahara, the only semi-intelligent company in the prison, had left not long after Heisuke. Apparently he'd been promoted.

Time had crawled to a halt without his Heisuke there to pass the time. The new warden of the Maggot's Nest was deathly afraid of Mayuri, and refused to enter the hallway where his little cell was. Not even the guards came this way, except for the new one that was assigned to him. He claimed to be Heisuke's friend, but for the most part he left Mayuri to his own devices.

Until, one day, he found Urahara in front of cell once more, dressed in a Captain's haori, asking him to join.

Mayuri only agreed once he saw Heisuke behind him, grinning happily.

**This fic is a gift for my friend Flesh on Discord. This is also the first work in a series, so keep your eyes peeled for more! Check out my AO3 for faster updates and a better list of all my works. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, and don't forget to leave a comment!**


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